What purpose in these deeds, oh fox confessor, please?

My parents are pretty much getting divorced.

If not officially, in every other sense of the word.

I've seen this coming since I was ten, but it I can't make it stop hurting. When I'm at school I can ignore it. When I come home, my mother is an emotional wreck and my father is just gone.

It's no one's fault.

Life is shitty sometimes.

I shouldn't be that upset, because I can't do anything about it and I'm getting older and soon I won't come home for extended periods of time and it won't matter if my parents live in the same house or are together. I shouldn't be upset because I had a great childhood and a fantastic relationship with both of them which is more than most people can hope for.

Part of me wants to break things and just sob and sob, but a larger part of me recognizes the futile nature of getting deeply upset over this. Life is not perfect; sometimes things that really suck just happen and you have to deal with them. There isn't really another option.

I kind of wish I didn't know that. I want to act out or be awful or just run away from it. I am jealous of my sister for being older and out of the house and more distant from it emotionally. I want it to be three years from now when things have worked out. I hate being confronted with the ugly reality of someone I love feeling totally shattered, left trying to pick up the pieces and start over at 55. I don't want to be the one comforting my mother; I don't want to feel like someone needs me. I don't want to know that she doesn't want me to feel this way but that there's no other way for me to feel. I don't want to see the faults in people I really, really love or see them wound one another or have either of them cast in an evil light.

I can't put my finger on what part is breaking my heart. My parents are human and there is no point in placing blame, and realistically things might not change that much. They'll probably be happier in the end.

I think it's just the feeling of "home" crumbling apart, the death of a concept and the realization that what I thought the future would be is not what will actually happen. It has to happen sometime.

I feel like I'm falling into ice water every time I think about it.